QI, Series Four [D]

Stephen Fry:
One in thirty million people risk dying by being murdered, the risk of choking to death is one in a hundred and twenty million, the risk of dying by tea cosy is one in twenty billion. There is, however, a one in two hundred and fifty seven thousand chance of you dying today during this programme.

Jimmy Carr:
… What have you got planned for Round Two?

Stephen Fry:
What is three times more dangerous than war?

Jimmy Carr:
...three wars?

Stephen Fry:
You are three times more likely to die at work than at war.

Alan Davies:
Does that include soldiers?

Stephen Fry:
There was a story during the Terror of the French Revolution, that two members of the National Assembly were guillotined and their heads put in the same bag straight away, and one bit the other so hard they couldn't be separated. Just the heads.

Jimmy Carr:
That's holding a grudge, isn't it? For all intents and purposes, you're dead, let it go! Yeah, you didn't get on, whatever!

Stephen Fry:
They were French.

[on the Darwin Awards]

Jimmy Carr:
It's the reason they should allow people to walk down the railway tracks if they so wish. If they can't work out a train's coming... [shrugs]

Stephen Fry:
Right.

Jimmy Carr:
Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine. [points around audience] You know who you are.

Stephen Fry:
Another dangerous sport is russian roulette of course.

Alan Davies:
That's dangerous. In the early days, you had a musket. You'd only have the one.

Arthur Smith:
D'you know what you should drink with the beating heart of a cobra? This is a dish in China where you get a cobra-and it's brought to the table alive. They then slice it open, rip the heart out, and it's beating on the plate there-you have to chase it round the plate, I s'pose-and then you drink the blood of the snake as the wine.

Clive Anderson:
Actually, I ordered the lasagne …

Arthur Smith:
I had occasion to hire a theatrical duck, once …

Clive Anderson:
A luvvie duck!

Vic Reeves:
In my career, I've had occasion to hire many, many an animal, but the most expensive was a pelican.

Stephen Fry:
Was it an enormous bill?

Stephen Fry:
....good evening and welcome to QI, for another tentative sniff at the enormous bottom of knowledge.

[on the differences between cats and dogs]

Liza Tarbuck:
Cats mating, it can be a quite exclusive little gang, whereas dogs, they can run riots, so you could have a Great Dane with a Chihuahua.

Stephen Fry:
It's a nice image.

Alan Davies:
It would involve a stepladder. Or a ditch.

Stephen Fry:
What comes before a German Bight?

Neil Mullarkey:
[presses buzzer] A German Bark.

[The klaxon sounds and the words "German Bark" appear on the screen.]

Stephen Fry:
You were thinking of J.S., possibly.

Alan Davies:
No, they never bark when they're going to attack you. It's when they go quiet, that's when you have to worry.

Stephen Fry:
Germans?

[On the Silbo Gomero whistling language]

Stephen Fry:
Do you know how they communicate across valleys?

Alan Davies:
Shout.

Neil Mullarkey:
Mobile phone.

Stephen Fry:
[grinning] No... Not... It's a language they use, but instead of their vocal cords, they...

Alan Davies:
Fart.

Stephen Fry:
My great-uncle had his tongue shot off in the war. He never talked about it.

Stephen Fry:
You know that joke, don't you? What's the similarity is between the pelican and British Gas? They can both can stick their bills up their arses.

Stephen Fry:
Name, if you can, the subject of the three volume book whose first volume is entitled "The Long Years of Obscurity."

Phill Jupitus:
The career of Phil Collins.

Ronni Ancona:
Is this book about the word obscurity before it got famous? How it was beaten by its adjective father. And left on the doorstep abandoned by its mother, and it was the only noun growing up in a house of verbs. And the verbs were always going out doing lovely things, because they were doing words, and poor old obscurity was stuck inside suffering from asthma. And then after school it was surrounded by quotation marks and got beaten up terribly. And then one day entered into reality TV show and it became very famous and it was much in demand and used to describe all the people who leave Big Brother House?

Rory Bremner:
They built the station next to the power station you see there, which is the third worst eyesore in the country. It was a Country Life thing-do you know what the first one was?

Phill Jupitus:
[in a posh accent] People! Public people! Working classes! Poorly groomed servants! The ill-bred ponies! That Blair fellow!

Stephen Fry:
If I find out you've been intercepting my mail …

[Discussing dolphins]

Ronni Ancona:
A lot of people say that they're smarter than people, but if they were, wouldn't they be saying that?

Ronni Ancona:
It's so weird that these national heroes are not from the place they are supposed to be. William Wallace was from Kenya. His mother was Masai... Not really!

Stephen Fry:
So, Culloden was really more of a local difficulty; it was Highland versus Lowland; it was like Celtic and Rangers. Catholic versus Protestant, essentially. It's that kind of fight. And it goes on to this day. Will we never learn? Who knows? Religion. Shit it.

[Speaking of marmots]

Stephen Fry:
Given the right conditions, it's a dangerous, a deadly merciless killer of humans. How?

Clive Anderson:
[presses his buzzer]

Stephen Fry:
Clive.

Clive Anderson:
Lead piping in the billiard room.

[Guessing which illness most doctors treat more than any other]

Alan Davies:
Pregnancy?

Clive Anderson:
Pregnancy isn't a disease, Alan.

Andy Parsons:
It would be if Alan got it!

Stephen Fry:
Oh, there you are. Great Wall of China.

Jimmy Carr:
I've got quite an interesting fact about that.

Stephen Fry:
Yep.

Jimmy Carr:
Longest wall in the world, not one cashpoint.

[After Stephen has had to have beer goggles explained to him]

Phill Jupitus:
Stephen doesn't have beer goggles, he has Madeira pince-nez.

Jo Brand:
In fact, every woman in the world has got bird flu. But we don't give a shit, we just get on with our lives. Now it's only because a few men have caught it lately that people are going mad about it. "Oh, I've got bubonic plague, but I've still got to do the hoovering."

[About alcohol]

Alan Davies:
Does it affect memory? Cos I'm fairly sure it does.

Stephen Fry:
I did know that.

Alan Davies:
Cos on my 30th birthday, I got some photos back after we had this dinner, and there were people with indoor sparklers. And I thought, "when did they have them? I must have gone to the loo or something. I don't remember that." And the next one was me with a sparkler. Then it's me with two sparklers. Me lighting sparklers really intently, handing sparklers out.

[on breaking wind in front of the queen]

Julian Clary:
It was just a little smidge as I thought, and I tried to get rid of it by internal squeezing. But it can't be done, and...

Stephen Fry:
...are the muscles a little lax down there?

Stephen Fry:
What's the difference between table tennis and ping pong?

Jo Brand:
In table tennis you serve the ball with a bat, and in ping pong it's launched from the vagina of a Thai woman.

[Stephen asks for Gandhi's first name, which is not 'Mahatma'.]

Stephen Fry:
Do you know what "Mahatma" means?

Alan Davies:
It means "Can I have my hat please, Mother?"

Jonathan Ross:
What's the protocol for when you see a really ugly baby?

Rich Hall:
I'll tell you. People show you their babies on their phone now, and it's like a cashew with some hair coming out of it. The thing to say is "Nice phone".

[Discussing what babies have that adults do not]

Stephen Fry:
They don't have kneecaps, do they?

Jonathan Ross:
Aren't you confusing them with mer-babies?

[After not speaking for ages, Rich hits his buzzer.]

Stephen Fry:
Er, Rich?

Rich Hall:
Ever since the clangers, I've been lost. The last picture I recognised was the KKK and that's pretty sad.

Stephen Fry:
Thirty-mile-an-hour winds come when a train enters the station, and a lot of hair gets blown down into the tunnels.

Andy Hamilton:
That's how I lost mine, actually. Most of it is Tottenham Court Road.

[Talking about how Tube tunnels are cleaned]

Alan Davies:
I don't understand why you can't have a-you know, like you used to have a cleaning tape for your cassette deck-you can't have a cleaning Tube? You'd just send a big furry train down …

[About Derren Brown]

Johnny Vaughan:
He's got one great trick. You know when you've got an empty seat by you in a train, and you don't want anybody to sit there? He says you're insane to put things on the chair to stop people sitting there. The trick is, as they approach, you smile at them and pat the seat.

Stephen Fry:
The word "donkey"-when did it come into the English language?

Graeme Garden:
When was Don Quixote published?

Mark Steel:
You know what they say is a test of whether you're anal? Whether or not you keep your records in alphabetical order. I would surely think that it depends on how many records you got-I mean, if you've only got two and you keep going back and going "ABBA, ZZ Top, they're still there, that's lovely" but I've got a roomful of bloody records! I keep them in alphabetical order so I can find the one I want! Apparently that means I got a problem with me arse! How is that right?

Stephen Fry:
What is meant by the expression "hoover the talking seal"?

Roger McGough:
Well, it's either one of those wonderful Oz expressions for throwing up … "Excuse me, I've got to go hoover the talking seal …"

Stephen Fry:
Or "My wife came in just as I was hoovering the talking seal …"

Roger McGough:
[reciting a poem] A crab, I'm told, will not bite, Or poison you just for spite; Won't lie in wait beneath a stone, Until one morning out alone, You poke a finger like a fool Into an innocent-looking pool; Won't grab your hand And drag you off across the sand Down into the bottom of the sea To eat you dressed for Sunday tea. The crab, I'm told, is a bundle of fun. With claws like that? Pull the other one!

Stephen Fry:
Jo, what's a good way to create the impression that you've cleaned the house when you haven't?

Jo Brand:
Just lock the door and kill everyone.

Stephen Fry:
What is the cheapest way to remove blood stains from clothes? Let's imagine if you cut yourself shaving and you get a spot there.

Alan Davies:
The cheapest way?

Stephen Fry:
Yeah.

Alan Davies:
What, you have to go down to the river and beat it on a rock?

[Stephen has said that you get a better clean on a knife blade if you have it pointing up in the cutlery rack of a dishwasher.]

Phill Jupitus:
I clean my knives in a crossbow. Some people say it's foolish. I put them in the hoover and set it on blow, and then shoot them and trap them around the kitchen, as I sit with a plug, bare-wired, at my feet, peeing on it! Gives it a better clean...

[A picture of a blood-spattered surgeon appears on the screen.]

Jo Brand:
Can I just say, I'm so impressed you got a picture of my husband in our fantasy sex kit.

[on having to replace a door]

Alan Davies:
The door handle kept turning like that, and I really needed to go, so I kicked the door in. It's the only time I ever kicked a door in. Brilliant! And it was a really cheap, flimsy door, and it smashed [gestures] like that and it exploded, and the door bit fell down, and there was wood everywhere, and I burst in, and [smiling triumphantly] I had a crap.

Stephen Fry:
Mithras was a savior sent to Earth to live as a mortal, through whom it was possible for sinners to be reborn into immortal life; he died for our sins but came back to life the following Sunday; he was born of a virgin on December 25th in a manger or, perhaps, a cave, attended by shepherds, and became known as The Light of the World; he had twelve disciples with whom he shared a last meal before dying; his devotees symbolically consumed the flesh and blood of him. Because Mithras was a sun god he was worshiped on Sundays...

Alan Davies:
Is he a tribute band?

Dara Ó Briain:
[explaining how to pour Guinness correctly] Five-twelfths of an inch is the ideal head around the top, and if somebody paints a shamrock into it, you're allowed to stab them in the eye with a fork.

Dara Ó Briain:
[in thick Irish accent] And they stuck All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day around the time people were celebrating …

Stephen Fry:
You know, I don't think there is an Arseholes Day.

Dara Ó Briain:
You and your liberal agenda.

Stephen Fry:
Why do they [British Royal Family] open presents on Christmas Eve?

Jo Brand:
Because they're all f***in' mad!

Stephen Fry:
No, because they're all f***in' German!

Dara Ó Briain:
I do remember once going out with a lady who was raised atheist, and an utter chore to walk around the gallery with. They go, 'who's the guy on the sticks? Is he the same guy who was in the shed earlier on?'

Stephen Fry:
Name a saint who comes from Ireland.

Alan Davies:
Patrick.

[The klaxon goes off.]

Alan Davies:
Why do I even bother?

Stephen Fry:
Name something quite interesting that kangaroos can’t do.

Alan Davies:
They can’t drive.

Stephen Fry:
What's the most interesting thing a dog can smell?

Neil Mullarkey:
[presses buzzer] A dog's dinner?

Stephen Fry:
Yes. To a dog that is the most interesting thing a dog can smell.

Alan Davies:
Other than that, another dog's bottom.

Stephen Fry:
Yeah. Oh.

[Forfeit klaxon goes off - BOTTOMS]

Stephen Fry:
Oh, there you are. Oh, no.

Jeremy Clarkson:
My crotch. [laughter] Well, they all do.

[Forfeit klaxon goes off - BOLLOCKS]

Stephen Fry:
Can you blame them? They're only flesh and blood...

Jeremy Clarkson:
It was my favourite VC winner was a first World War fighter pilot. His name was Ferdinand West, I think. And they were attacked by 7 German planes. In the first, sort of, wave he had his leg shot off - completely off. So he, it was jamming the controls: he took it out and threw it out of the plane, manoeuvred his plane so they could get off some good bursts into the Germans, drove them away, dropped his bombs, landed back at base, apologised for the poor quality of his landing, and then sought medical attention.

Stephen Fry:
My great-uncle had his tongue shot off in the war. He never talked about it.

[After discussing the Great Stink]

Phill Jupitus:
I'd love to have been in parliament that day. "And I put it to the honourable member, that he who smelt it, dealt it!"

Stephen Fry:
Whoa!

[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - HE WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT.]

[After Stephen has had to have beer goggles explained to him]

Phill Jupitus:
Stephen doesn't have beer goggles, he has Madeira pince-nez. "Oh, you're a cracker! More Madeira? A small Sherry?"

Alan Davies:
A Sherry Monocle? He's got the Sherry Monocle in.

Stephen Fry:
You're all rotters and I hate you.

[A picture of the KKK comes up]

Rich Hall:
Oh man, of all the pictures you have to show.

Stephen Fry:
I know, it's not good.

Rich Hall:
That's my uncle in that.

[On the Number of the Beast ]

Stephen Fry:
They've discovered a papyrus which has the whole book of Revelations--it's the oldest papyrus on the book of Revelations--and the number is 616, as was known about--

Graeme Garden:
[pressing his buzzer] That's the fax number of the Beast.

[Stephen answering the question on how to create the impression that you've cleaned the house when you haven't.]

Stephen Fry:
You spray or apply furniture polish to a radiator, and it fills the room with the smell of furniture polish. These hints are either from a book called Trade Secrets by Katherine Lapworth and Alexandra Fraser, or from Superhints by the Lady...

Jo Brand:
I know those two. They're slags, the pair of them.

Stephen Fry:
What do you know of the book called Superhints by the Lady Wardington?

Jo Brand:
Yeah, I know her.

Stephen Fry:
Do you know the Lady Wardington?

Jo Brand:
She's a bitch.

Stephen Fry:
There are dozens of religions in world mythology that have visits by wise men, kings who killed children to stop the new king from being born. There's a great deal in Christianity that's traditional. And however wonderful people think the story is, it's frankly not original.

Dara Ó Briain:
That is an interesting direction to start a Christmas Special with.

Rich Hall:
The nativity story in the bible, probably could find a hotel room because they hadn't booked in advance.

Alan Davies:
They should known it will be busy. Because its Christmas.

Rich Hall:
Every day is a Bank Holiday in America.